Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Jill's LiveJournal:

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Friday, December 21st, 2007
9:56 am	*being Poked at* um.... Right now I'm barely conscious and in desperate need of COFFEE! but I was being poked at and so here I am.  Um...update? I still work at Starbucks.   I'd kill my boss if I didn't like her so much. I still might lose all my shit at my ASM. Whatever.  It's work. I babysit a two and three and a half year old two nights a week.  They are adorable, amazing, require a level of single step thought and patience that I didn't think existed anywhere. Christmas is on tuesday.  I need another month between now and then.  I'm already sorry, but if I know you, you're probably not getting anything.  But love. yeah, you can have some of that. My brother was in jail last week, and I know this doesn't surprise you who know him,  but I wasn't really expecting it.  Yay drama. ooh!  If I ever have to go to the hospital, I want everyone to make damn sure that I end up at Dell Children's Medical center.  That place is super fucking cool. Alright. Bye now. (11 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, February 8th, 2007
12:29 pm	On reality - reality is the thing that we fix for ourselves, and I, I am stuck, hardened in this shape that is...that might be me, that is part of me, insofar as I breathe what life I can into it. I have, I realize, spent so much time trying to harden this shape, this life that I am in and was given to play with, and so much time trying to stretch loosely without within this shape I am hardening. THere is this desperate yearning, this cry from a distance within me, the faintest whisper at the beginning from far off of disembodiment in the desert, wandering lost. There was this cry that as I came closer in the struggle to stretch within this box I am making that began to sound like *dreams* and *fiction* and *makebelieve* and *what if* until just now, when it catches up to me and the voice is me, full crushing weight, lamenting not "reality" not the hard shapes that we make, but the slow extinction of all other possibility of shape, all other dreams I might have that there can always be something else... That fiction is necessary, that stories and dreams and the wild searching and descent into gluttones gorging of possibility is the missing water in the desert. I want fiction. I want to dream, and imagine. I want to believe - not in dragons, but that there might be dragons, that I can create them if I want to, that I can make another hardened place within and without me that nurtures and sustains them. And the truth that descends upon me is that I created every bit, all that I can see and not see, that is true and not in this first hard shape, that I am asphyxiating in, and that I can break it, and make another, harder in different places, that I can make an infinite soft polygon of me, porous and catalystic and that, in the last gasps for air in the darkening cave I have made of me, I am thinking that I might rather break a thousand times, dying trying, than asphyxiate myself on the loss of imagination and belief. If it were free, free of effort to create the consequences of a choice, then sign me up! I am there baby! but it is not, it cannot be, it has no value, no meaning, no existence because of its own inherent definitions, if I do not create the actions to recieve the consequences. And so, I am afraid. Afraid of myself, of my children, my progeny, my little demons I have made that build this ever hardening shell for me while that voice has retreated further and further in confusion and fear, weakening in the desert I am making, that once I have, I do not want. Reality! How I hate that word, that overused, inaccurate, too definable and indefinable word that we use too much, fight too much, accept too much, that has a life of its own, that we have gorged until it has become a monster that runs maniacally rampant around us, that has its own life now, a pulsing concept separated from its source, that which we have created.  For truly, its own self, it's past infant state that still exists but it has separated and dualized is self from is the simply the indidividual and sum total of the hard shapes that we create. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 23rd, 2007
7:48 pm	Awareness... of a sort Do you know, it's funny the things that blindside you; things that you had left far behind, and no longer think of from day to day. I thought by cleaning out my daily thoughts and having some things show up only once in the proverbial blue moon, that meant that I had actually moved past them...that I was on the OTHER side of the hill, not still climbing up it. I was wrong. It's not so much that being wrong is a new thing, because we all know how much its not, and how supposedly normal it is...Its that I work so very hard to not be wrong, or ignorant of the inner progession and interaction. I work so very, very hard to not be wrong. Its like something that been very carefully and laboriously constructed versus that which occurs naturally, a a form of the path of nature. Damage dealt is exponentially more meaningful and relevant. And yes, I hear all of you saying that I take things too seriously. As soon as I learn how not to be what it is to be me, I'll let you know. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, August 25th, 2006
6:27 pm	From the Tree of Knowledge I do not know wy I even bother. Seriously. I'm not going to the ACL fest. You know it, I know it, and those freaky kids down the street know it. I'm going to go to work that day. These are the things that we know. So what I don't need to know is that Explosions in the Dky is playing Saturday. And Massive Attack plays just as they are ending. I don't need to know about Nickel Creek, Gnarles Barkley or Tom Petty. I don't need to see the South AUstin Jug Band, the Raconteurs, or I Love You But I've Chosen Darkness. I don't need to know these things. It's not good for me. And yet...I just keep diving right into the center of that apple. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, August 24th, 2006
10:43 am	The nature of truth and lies Sometimes the only way to tell the truth is to show it, and the only way to show it is to lie, and lie both convincingly and not, to tell all the things the truth is not, because we, who are not true beings, cannot see Truth, and so cannot see ourselves for what we are, but see ourselves through imperfection, through the veil of nontruths and shadows we have created, and we can only tell what we see. (Comment on this)
Sunday, August 20th, 2006
7:20 pm	Whoo! I have a niece! (well, we're all fairly sure...) But. Aurora Leigh, born August 19 2006, 10:34 am. She has dimples, and snorts when she sleeps. (9 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, March 23rd, 2006
2:30 am	Update So...Hooray! I passed panel with flying colors, and I'm now going through the bookwork, which is fairly involved. My car is running, and I hope to have it legal and on the road within the next two weeks I found a house with a lady who's going to to work with me. yay! So I'm worried about money at the moment; it's going to be a tight couple of weeks. It's all right though, 'cause my raise kicked in yesterday. Um....I think that's all at the moment. Current Mood: headache (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, March 6th, 2006
3:00 pm	I don't understand, and I don't know how to take the short route. I don't understand (rationally, logically) why I should be bothered/hurt by things I cannot change... But I am. And I do. And its' that bitter, twisting, poisoning hurt snake that eats; I'd take the good old fashioned maddened thunderstorm anyday. ...Nor do I understand why whining about it should make it better. Go figure. (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, March 4th, 2006
1:49 pm	So... First and foremost, there are some people that I need to call, that I promised I'd call, and that I'd like to talk to in general. My only response to this is that a) I suck. Really. But you knew that. and b) This week has kicked my ass so totally that I feel a bit like a truck stomped Alice in Wonderland. If you can even imagine. That said... Some things are over and some things are just beginning. The second half of a transition phase if you will. I'm not happy with how it turned out, but one doesn't have to like things for them to be true. The things I don't like, I understand, so that's something. Also, I am not a very good person. THis is not to say that I'm a bad person, but there are a couple of things that I do that extend just a bit beyond stupid into the realm of being character flaws. This is not cool, and I'm seeing what I can do about that. There are some things that I fucked up that I can only suck up and move on from. Isn't that nice? I'm also rushing to get some things done so that I can panel on the 17th and start shift training at my new store. This is a two sided coin, but all around acceptable. Hmm. Things to do, and I have no motivation right now to do them. Current Mood: drained (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, February 27th, 2006
2:50 pm	I want... To be like me. In fact, I want to be just like me. In fact, I think I want to be just me, and absolutely nobody else whatsoever. I don't want to be like anybody else. It's hard enough just trying to care of being whatever I am, without having to take care of being whatever else other people are. I'm very cool with things in common, and things to share, and being similar, even. But I want to be just like me. ( I know that sounds obvious and simple. Whatever) I also want to live the way I used to...in that I want to live *in* life, and that everpresent flow of energy. But I think there's a fallacy in that thinking...because I can't have what I did, and I can't be where I was, and I don't think I really want to anyway. But I think I can have the true things that underly that, and build a new scenery. I want to be right in the middle of being alive. I'm tired of being bored and trapped...of having to scale back me or myself, or my thoughts, because it's not the right time, or place, or person...I understand the term compromise and middle ground, trust me. But I don't think it's such a tight spot as I've made, nor should it me. I want to be learning and thinking and expressing and being right now, and every right now after this one. There's been a lot of discussion about fear. I think I've built it up to be more than it is. I'm okay with being afraid. If I can't be afraid, then there are some ways I can't grow, and I can't fully appreciate what it takes to be confident, nor can I relate to others who experience that whole realm of being and emotion. So I can accept this. It's just a thing, and it's not me. I want to be challenged by all things; never trapped, or sunk, or held back. ...I think that's all right this second. We'll see how it goes. Current Mood: awake (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, January 1st, 2006
2:17 pm	It's a brand new day. I woke up feeling this incredible sense of newness, of having slept fully and well, (even though I'd been on the floor), feeling like I was looking with new eyes and a refreshed scene. I haven't woken up and felt the "it's a brand new day" sense in ... longer than I can apparently remember. Months and years maybe. I'm at Gaea's, surrounded by people and computers and games and books and every one doing their own thing - together. And it's just absolutely amazingly awesome - the whole sense of being here, in good space with good people, peaceful and battery charging and individual and whole. Last night was Mojo's (The indie coffee house on Guadalupe) last night EVER. For those of you who weren't there, you missed out, and you suck. The entire front space was packed shoulder to shoulder with people when I got there at 1230...and there were maybe a handful of people inside. Wild chatter and crazy antics and dancing dancing dancing and liquor and coffee. I've only been to one other party slightly similar to this, three years ago, and this place was running amok with energy. If nothing else, the porch was a great place to watch crazy drunken drivers come tearing down the street, locking up their brakes and losing car pieces and spinning multiple 360s. Great Entertainment. We left somewhere around 4 ish and piled into Gaea's car; I haven't been up that late in awhile. ... I've spent the whole day here chilling, and it's been wonderful. It truly feels like a brand new year; a brand new everything. I haven't posted in awhile. I've had really intermittent internet access, and am usually using the opportunity when I do to chill and chat. I'm in a new place now, due to difficulties with my car in november. It's a one bedroom four plex off of pond springs and it's ALL MINE. MINE, I say, MINE! It's great. I got a really good deal, and eternal thanks to deviant saint for suggesting craigs list. I don't do a whole lot now. Mostly work, walking back and forth from work, and hanging out at my place. My dad came in for Christmas, and that was fantastic, as he's super sick, and we don't get to see him that often. Sudden thought: I've never really felt all that attracted to New Year's resolutions. I just...swing between apathy and active dislike. But, it feels appropriate today. Today is the day for new paths and plans and beginnings. Not much else, at the moment. I'll get back later. Current Mood: awake (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, November 25th, 2005
7:33 pm	There's a week of events that I need to update on...But that's not tonight. Ever feel like you just cut off an arm and a leg, (Or some combination thereof) to save the body? (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 23rd, 2005
9:15 am	Carole Lombard You scored 21% grit, 9% wit, 42% flair, and 38% class! You're a little bit of a fruitcake, but you always act out in style. You have a good sense of humor, are game for almost anything, but you like to have nice things about you and are attracted to the high life. You're stylish and modern, but you've got a few rough edges that keep you from attaining true sophistication. Your leading men include William Powell, Fredric March, and Clark Gable. Watch out for small planes. Find out what kind of classic leading man you'd make by taking the Classic Leading Man Test. My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 48% on grit You scored higher than 5% on wit You scored higher than 64% on flair You scored higher than 76% on class Link: The Classic Dames Test written by gidgetgoes on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 15th, 2005
4:31 pm	( Attempt Decoding ) Current Mood: anxious (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, November 12th, 2005
7:38 pm	It's amazing how at every single fork in the road, every opportunity to keep someone close, a person can do the one thing that will cut someone further off, drive them further away. Current Mood: melancholy (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 25th, 2005
12:38 pm	Hmm. This wasn't unexpected though I don't know that I really am all of those things...though I could be. Someday. Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well. An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly. You are also good at remembering information and convicing someone of your point of view. A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary. You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator. What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have? Current Mood: cranky (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, October 20th, 2005
12:49 pm	Re: some people I know, and some I don't. I swear that we share the same physical reality, and I KNOW that we are speaking english...I know that time is great for the creation of shared connotations...and yet, I still can't but help feel that whatever the words are that are coming out of my mouth, that they aren't english, but some strange unique alien language that just happens to use the same words but none of the same con-or denotations. (this has actually been commented upon; brian once referred to it as Jillese). That we will never spend enough time together to ever be able to operate on the same wavelength. Is it just me, or isn't that incredibly frustrating and sad? (3 Comments |Comment on this)
12:27 pm	Yeah. Pretty much. You fit in with: Spiritualism Your ideals are mostly spiritual, but in an individualistic way. While spirituality is very important in your life, organized religion itself may not be for you. It is best for you to seek these things on your own terms. 30% spiritual. 40% reason-oriented. Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, October 9th, 2005
11:00 am	Moving, pt 1 I've been talking about it forever, it seems like. I should be done now. I haven't really started...and now, I don't even know where to start. I've been spending a few nights here. Now it feels like a mistake...I should have just stayed away. I caught myself the other night acting like this was home...THis is home. I had stayed away to avoid feeling like I was leaving home, again. But here I am, and that's what I'm doing. Sure, I'll find a new one. But in eight years, it has never gotten easier. Since these are my choices, all this really is is a little self-pity/whining. I know that too. So...where do I start? Current Mood: anxious (Comment on this)
Friday, September 30th, 2005
2:46 am	Damn it all. Why the fuck am I awake at a quarter to three am...especially when I need to be getting up in a couple of hours? Cereal, here we come. Current Mood: blank (Comment on this)